50 Hysterical Tweets By Parents Who REALLY Need A Decade-Long Nap

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) September 7, 2023

my daughter said she really wants to get baptized. I was surprised & asked her why & she said “I just love water mom.” LMFAO ??

— B 🦋 (@DontWorryBoutB) August 6, 2023

Today at pick-up, the childcare teacher informed me that my darling son was caught red-handed trying to eat another child’s banana. She showed me the confiscated banana as proof. I looked over at him sternly, and caught him trying to eat yet another child’s banana.

— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) July 21, 2023

A lady in a mom group I’m in posted that she’s pregnant and wants to name her daughter Eieoie and the moms in the comments are ruthless and posting the lyrics to Old MacDonald Had a Farm 😭😭

— e 🕯✨ (@nienna121) August 6, 2023

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 31, 2023

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) August 3, 2023

My 2yo screamed in Costco, cause he’s 2. This crusty old man came up to us and said, “I’m one of Santa’s helpers. That means I’ll tell Santa about who’s being a naughty boy” to which my 6yo replied, “Mommy why isn’t that old guy minding his business?”

The kid gets it.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 2, 2023

The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023

14: hey dad…Why should you never fight a dinosaur??

me: why

14: You’ll get jurasskicked.

he’s a dad. they grow up so fast.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 16, 2023

Knock at the door. I open it.
Neighbor kid: “I… I was trying to do a… a ding-dong… thing..”
Me: “A ding dong ditch?”
NK: “Yeah!”
Me: “But you forgot to leave?”
NK: “Yeah!”
Me: “Do you want to try again?”
NK: “Yeah!”

— abs af (@absflora) August 13, 2023

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2023

6 y/o niece walked into my bedroom last night.

Her: is this your bedroom?
Me: yes
Her: where does uncle Skylar sleep?
Me: [prepared to explain gay people exist] he sleeps here, too.
Her: I meant what side of the bed.
Me: oh. That side.
Her: …he has a LOT more pillows than you.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 14, 2023

I called a family meeting and my 8yo gone say, “is this a paid meeting”.

I be positive parenting but children don’t be positive childrening.

— Princess (@themultiplemom) July 17, 2023

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023

6 yo cousin: do you know my little pony game on the phone?

me: yeah, i used to play that game before you were born

cousin: i used to watch my little pony back in the day

me: ….. what days?? you’re 6

cousin: no, back when i was a tiny tiny baby not a adult

me: !?!?!?

— Roy (@CaeDios) July 24, 2023

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023

My finest parenting moment is when I sent my son to daycare in a jean jumpsuit and then at pickup, his shy teacher whispered “the jean jumpsuit was a sensation” and informed me that word had spread throughout the school and teachers were traveling from other classrooms to see it

— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) July 28, 2023

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 26, 2023

Me: *eyelid twitching, trying to remain calm by reminding myself that it’s a class for literal toddlers and nobody else notices*

My wife, who is the only other person in the room that notices: pic.twitter.com/JcvicGBwJS

— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) July 20, 2023

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 24, 2023

So uh… My 7 year old and her therapist came out of their session. Her therapist says “[7] has something to tell you.” She hemmed and hawed, tried to change the subject, and then confessed: she smuggled two tiny live frogs into therapy in a toy doctor kit.

— Katy Rex the Lizard Lady ❤️🦃 (@thekatyrex) July 25, 2023

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023

For those wondering, he thought she meant Target’s toy section, but she said “imagine Target but with all the Toys ever made!”

The look on his face when he found out such a place existed… but he can’t go…

If you have a Time Machine, hit me up.

— Tre (@trestewart_) July 16, 2023

My son asked me tonight before bed if “back rooms” were real and, if you are not currently a parent of a child who watches youtube you have no idea the mistake I made in saying yes.

— Hank Green (@hankgreen) August 6, 2023

5 year old: Something happened in the kitchen.

Husband: what was it?

5yo: A ghost was doing experiments.

Us: …………….oh no

— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 18, 2023

As an end-of-summer treat, I told my 5yo he can stay up as late as he wants tonight. His regular bedtime is 7:30. It’s 7:50 and he’s outside swinging on his swing set telling me this is the best day ever. Will keep you posted on how long he makes it.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) August 27, 2023

I do not want to encourage my daughter to fixate on her appearance, but I do love when she dresses herself in the most chaotic outfit (strawberry dress, purple tutu, seagull leggings, bunny socks under rainbow sandals), then looks in the mirror and whispers “I look perfect.”

— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) July 14, 2023

i hear the blender going in the kitchen. Only my 10 and 8 yo are awake. my wife is not home. i’m stuck on a conference call. oh no.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 9, 2023

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 14, 2023

Honestly insane that you can be a kid but then grow up and live alone and have no one to be like “I threw up” to

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) June 25, 2023

Asked my 5-yo to clean her room multiple times today. She assured me she did. I went in: literally nothing had changed. “In what world,” I asked, “is this a clean room?”

She looked me dead in the eye. “In a TRASH world.”

— Katie Gutierrez (@katie_gutz) August 2, 2023

My son is named my Eli.

My golf instructor is named Eli.

I texted my son to tell him to take the dogs and the trash out.

My golf instructor then texted me, “is 1030 tomorrow okay?”

I fired back a not so nice message… 🤦🏽‍♂️

— Jerome Adams (@JeromeAdamsMD) July 14, 2023

my kid turned 15 seven minutes ago and the first thing he did was call his buddy, who is 4 days younger than him, and said “how does it feel to be 14, idiot?”

— Sen. Lemon Gogurt (I – Podcastia) (@Ugarles) July 19, 2023

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

— emily (@emilykmay) August 10, 2023

My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) September 7, 2023

In the car, everyone silent for 5 mins:

My three year old: What if there was a sheep that worked at a doctors office?

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 16, 2023

PARENT PROTIP: Don’t read that email from the school; save your energy for the follow-up with corrections they’ll send in a few minutes.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 6, 2023