As a grandparent, it’s natural to want to connect with your grandchildren in this way, especially when you’re so excited to see them. However, many kids may not feel comfortable giving hugs and kisses on demand, and it’s important for the adults in their lives to respect this.
“While this phrase is likely filled with love and a completely normal desire to foster closeness and connection with a child, it can also unintentionally take away a child’s right to autonomy and pressure them to abandon and second-guess their body boundaries,” Dorn said. “This can send confusing messages about consent.”
In order to respect your grandkids’ boundaries, you could instead phrase this as a question: “I’d love to give you a hug. Is that OK?”
But if they say “no,” accept their answer and move on.
“Make sure not to push further or use guilt with a comment like, ‘Please, just one? I’m your grandma/grandpa!’” Dorn said. “A helpful thing to do instead is keep the mood light and say something like, ‘OK! I love you so much and can’t wait to hear all about what you’ve been up to.’”
You can also suggest other ways to connect like waving hello or goodbye, or giving a fist bump or a high five.
“Kids often feel like they don’t have a lot of self-determination, so it can be a powerful message to send that important grown-ups in their life will respect their body boundaries no matter what,” Dorn said. “This approach also reinforces the idea that physical affection is a personal choice, promoting a healthy understanding of boundaries and consent in other areas of their life.”
6. “Your parents are wrong about … ”
Parenting styles and best practices change over time. You may have raised your children in a different way than your adult children are now raising their own kids.
“Of course, grandparents grew up in a different era with different customs and norms, and it’s natural to want to comment on the differences,” Howes said. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with pointing out these distinctions, but it’s very easy for those comments to come across as shaming. By shaming, I mean declaring that one way was right and another is wrong, and that there is something wrong with the grandchild or their parents.”
Generally speaking, it’s best to keep those comments to yourself unless you see “significant blindspots or areas that could potentially be harmful for the child,” Howes said. “Even then, it’s best to take concerns to the parents instead of the grandchild.”
Sharing these kinds of judgments or negative comments about your adult child’s parenting choices with your grandkids is not a good idea, he said.
“If grandparents have a beef with how their child is parenting, they should bring it up to them or keep it to themselves, but leave the grandchildren out of it,” Howes said.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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