I think I was still in shock from this success when we got to step two — engorgement and lubrication. According to my teacher, I needed to comprehend these, experientially, in order for intercourse to go smoothly. In other words, she wanted me to get turned on. Her logic was sound, yet it made my armpits damp. Sure, I’d come there to get savvy about arousal. But did I actually want to get aroused? Here? With her? I didn’t. Though how else could I get the full picture? A view I’d paid $500 for, after saving for months.
There was no turning back. I let the Mediterranean sexpert stroke the upper right quadrant of my little happy place. When she asked if she might do the same with my G-spot, I invited her to reach right in. Surprisingly, I felt no discomfort with entry ― only blood expanding the area, aka engorgement, and, yes, emerging lubrication. As quickly as I could, I replaced her hand with my own, so I could calmly replicate her techniques. I took a deep breath, just like she taught me. The G-spot felt ridged, like Braille. It was like learning to read myself.
At this juncture, we were at step three: the finale. Francesca was going to teach me how to screw. That is, how to use my muscles in a manner that brought joy, not pain. She demonstrated while lying beside me. “As the pelvis moves forward,” she instructed, lifting her loins off the blanket, “contract around the penis, and breathe in.”
I tried this alongside her.
“As the pelvis moves back,” she continued, placing her bottom back on the bed, “release the vagina muscles… and exhale.”
I felt thoroughly spastic, but before long I was dancing with her. Tushy up. Tushy down. With all the inner workings.
Where else was I going to get this information?
I don’t remember dressing — too much of a daze. I do recall handing her my credit card: the transaction. Hard to believe this was the act that could throw us in jail. The real exchange was something else — her compassionate skill with my traumatized body.
It’s been eight years since my visit with Francesca, and I’m happy to report Kurt and I are going well. If a great marriage grows from a stable sensual connection, then my hands-on guru is a crucial part of our root system. My husband and I use her instruction — anatomy, nerve endings, placement of parts, deep breathing — whenever we make love.
Maybe lots of nooky — and good info about it — accounts for the extra courage. Once I realized I wasn’t broken (just ill-informed), bravery sprouted in my heart ― and lower. I became relentless in finding improved medical and mental health providers. Resolving pelvic pain, I realized, takes a village. I needed a trauma therapist, a gynecologist focused on pain disorders, a pelvic floor PT and erotic education.
I wish it hadn’t taken me 30 years to recover from early molestation — and that doing so didn’t break the law. Maybe one day, the U.S. will make sexological bodywork legal, like it is in California — that’s where Paltrow’s Netflix show is filmed. Could my country even go the way of Denmark, where “sexual advisers,” trained by the government, help people with physical disabilities (those who use wheelchairs, for instance)?
Trauma can do its own number on intimate function. Other factors mess with it too: hormones, aging, birth control pills, medications, childbirth, parenting, cancer, depression, weight gain, weight loss, chronic pain, vascular issues, communication mishaps and daily stress, to name a few. Everyone deserves accessible ways to restore wholeness.
What restoration looks like will vary from person to person. Not everyone wants their package handled by a bodyworker. How are we to know options, though, without open discussion of healing modalities? We need frank conversations about bodies, pleasure and sexual solutions. Since one size doesn’t fit all, they should be customized for each individual, throughout a person’s life. I believe the Danes have it right — sexual wellness is a critical part of overall health.
Hell might have to turn as cold as Copenhagen for America to value erections, particularly, the female kind. Till then, I’d gladly commit my crime again. In fact, I did. A few weeks after seeing Francesca, I visited her a second time — with my husband. He was curious how this magic woman had transformed me. He wanted his own transformation. That session, focused primarily on emotional intimacy, equally informs our relationship. Here’s to all matrimony savers, whatever their legal status. Hail to all helpers of love.
Laura Zam is an award-winning writer, speaker, and sexual health coach. She’s the author of the memoir The Pleasure Plan: One Woman’s Search for Sexual Healing. Other writing appears in The New York Times, Salon, SheKnows, and many other publications. Find her at LauraZam.com.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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