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Getting into a disagreement with another person is never easy. It often brings up uncomfortable feelings like stress, anger or sadness. But while arguments are generally uncomfortable with just about anyone, they are extra difficult with narcissists.
Narcissists are manipulative and have a desire to control others, making disagreements really, really frustrating, said Monica Cwynar, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks in Pittsburgh.
Just because you have an unpleasant interaction with another person doesn’t make them a narcissist. Just .5-5% of the U.S. population has narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, according to Manahil Riaz, a psychotherapist in Houston and the owner of Riaz Counseling in Texas. So while someone can have narcissistic traits ― such as self-centeredness or a lack of empathy ― it does not mean they have NPD, Riaz added.
Instead, narcissism is a continuum that ranges from healthy narcissism, which is defined as an “integrated sense of self and healthy self-esteem to pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder,” Justine Grosso, a somatic trauma psychologist, told HuffPost via email.
“Someone with pathological narcissistic traits may meet some but not all criteria for NPD,” Grosso added. These criteria includes entitlement, a lack of empathy, a desire for praise and admiration, exploiting others, arrogance and grandiosity, Grosso said.
These traits are hard to deal with on a normal day, and are that much harder when a narcissist is upset with you. We asked therapists to share the phrases and behaviors narcissists commonly use in conflict. Here’s what they are:
1. “You’re overreacting.”
“When talking to someone with pathological narcissism or NPD, they may repeatedly dismiss, deflect, or invalidate your concerns or hurt feelings in order to avoid taking accountability for their impact on you,” Grosso said.
This can sound like phrases such as “you’re overreacting” or “you’re too sensitive,” which can be used to control the narrative, said Cwynar, and make you feel like you’re the one causing a problem.
Instead of doubling down on your stance, comments like this likely make you doubt yourself and your feelings, and withdraw your complaint, Grosso said.
2. “I’m not angry, you’re angry.”
“People with pathological narcissism or NPD use an unconscious defense mechanism called projection in which they disown their own emotions and believe they belong to someone else,” Grosso said.
Say you’re in the middle of a fight with a narcissist, you may hear them telling you that you’re the angry one as they yell, scream and say condescending things, Grosso gave as an example.
“People with pathological narcissism or NPD deny their vulnerable feelings because of toxic shame and emotion phobia,” she said.
3. “I can’t believe you’re attacking me, I always get blamed.”
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