A Feeling Of Shame
Therapist Mercedes Samudio, author of “Shame-Proof Parenting,” says that what often follows our failure to meet our own expectations is a sense of shame.
“Most parents say I want to parent better than my parents,” Samudio told HuffPost. “But for whatever reason, it fails, or it doesn’t go the right way. And then they begin to feel really embarrassed or really disappointed in themselves because that parenting strategy, the one that they had set their sights on, isn’t working for their kid, or even more so, it’s not working for the second or third kid it when it worked so well for the first.”
To combat this cycle, Samudio says, first, “you really have to have a lot of empathy for yourself.” Second, she recommends that parents come to terms with the fact that their job doesn’t consist of overcoming one obstacle and then moving on to a life of smooth sailing. The struggle itself — the not knowing what to do — is what defines parenting.
“Figuring it out is parenting, not doing it right or doing it wrong, but figuring it out … That’s how you know you’re parenting, because you’re struggling with these types of decisions,” she explained.
Parents being aware of their own needs, having confidence in the things they do well and knowing how to find support are all things that may not always lead to happiness, but can ward off those feelings of shame.
“I tell parents, you can’t always be happy, but you can mitigate those really unhappy moments” or times where “you feel you have failed as a parent.”
Social Media
Like Bren and Navsaria, Samudio believes that in order to find happiness as parents, we have to be willing to revise our own expectations.
In this regard, she said, social media, with the endless comparisons that it invites, can do us more harm than good.
“I think social media also gets in the way of parents’ happiness,” she said. “You’re scrolling, you’re seeing everyone’s curated parenting decisions” without the context of everything else that’s going on in their lives, which certainly isn’t all perfect. “Social media just becomes another source of expectation,” and oftentimes an unrealistic one.
Getting off of social media entirely may not be possible, and the last thing parents need is one more unrealistic expectation they may fail to meet.
Samudio does advise parents to “pay attention to how you start to feel” after a few minutes of scrolling on the app of your choice. If you understand how social media is affecting you, you take away some of its power to dictate your happiness.
For example, if you start feeling bad about what you’re feeding your kids after looking at photos of perfect meals that influencers are posting, you can remind yourself that your worth as a parent isn’t measured in little sandwiches shaped like dinosaurs.
There are a lot of things you do for your kid every day, and it is this fact of showing up again and again and doing your best — even when it’s far from perfect — that makes you a good parent, one who deserves to look at the relationship you’re building with your child and feel some pride and happiness.
This post originally appeared on HuffPost.
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