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“We work as a team. We communicate well and work through challenges together. With my ex, I had to bring up problems very calculatedly. I had to prepare him — it’d often be a ‘major blow’ to his self-esteem — and then myself for ‘retribution.’ There was never any significant change. With my current partner, I can bring things up. If anything, I’m the ‘toxic’ one. Sometimes, he feels like he needs to walk on eggshells around me — especially since both my parents died two months ago. He isn’t blaming me for my difficulties, but we’ve worked on it together since he told me, and the situation has improved. He’s still empathetic, caring, and understanding about how my parents’ deaths affect me emotionally, and he gives me time and patience. I’m also extremely clear about how much my grief is affecting me.”
“The communication, stability, patience, kindness, and willingness to work on issues in our relationship are so different from my relationship with my ex. There might be some initial defensiveness when addressing a problem, but we discuss it, figure out how we both contribute to it, and walk away feeling closer. I also don’t feel guilty all the time; I was always guilty before.
Meanwhile, as retribution, my ex would either 1) stay silent and then blow up weeks later, 2) threaten to cheat, 3) make an advance on another woman to boost his self-esteem (because I ‘made him feel bad’), 4) shame or put me down for something he was previously fine with, or 5) wait a few days before crying (for hours) about what a terrible person he was while blaming me for making him feel that way. Whatever problem I’d brought up would be half-heartedly worked on and abandoned shortly after.
The safety and stability — stability being the key here — are probably the most significant differences.”
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