10.
“Very early on in my recently ended seven-year relationship, my now-ex shared with me that she had cancer. Considering the three kids she had and the lack of participation of their fathers in their lives, I entered the relationship knowing full well what could be down the road. Naturally, I developed a very strong sense of responsibility and eventually felt as if her kids were basically my kids, too, and the paternal role I felt seemed to be reciprocated by everyone involved. Ex and I got engaged. In time, unconditional love developed, and within maybe 18 months, I was ‘Dad’ to a 12-year-old girl, her eight-year-old sister, and a two-year-old younger brother. This was a big deal to me, and I took it seriously. I was so happy and proud to be a good father and partner.”
“I was also extremely busy working and oftentimes managed my new family life solo when the ex was struggling to find good days in the unpredictably uncomfortable challenges she/we faced in the landscape of her cancer diagnosis. Difficult as life can become, I persevere for those I care about and carry on I did. I always focused on the happiness and health of my new family.
Maybe three years in, I began to realize how seldom my ex went to the doctor. It seemed like she was going to her pain management appointments regularly, but that was it. I noticed little in the way of actual disease treatment. Eventually, I became concerned my ex wasn’t making any efforts towards therapies that could potentially improve her condition, possibly extending her overall wellness and life expectancy. As we are both still in our thirties, I felt this was an important aspect for everyone involved. It’s bad enough that so many younger kids don’t have one or both parents, so why not do what we can to prevent those kids from unnecessary tragic loss if at all possible, right? Obviously, I’d prefer not to lose my fiancé sooner rather than later. Long story short, my inquiry regarding her lack of treatment beyond pain meds blew up in my face and revealed a very different, very aggressive, and loud response from my ex than I’d known previously. I may have crossed a line. I get that. But the disproportionate response I got raised flags. Flags bordering on verbal and emotional abuse in response to a gently proposed conversation about her long-term health. It seemed kind of like it was a deterrent to prevent me from EVER bringing it up again. So, I didn’t bring it up for three more years. During that time, nothing changed in regard to her health or treatment. She seemed pretty healthy unless she was too high on her meds to stay awake and take care of her/our kids while I was at work.
Turned out she never had cancer. Or any health issues outside of a drug addiction. I myself am a recovering addict, so I didn’t leave her, shame her, or even change what I was doing as a dad to her kids after I came to my conclusion. But when her secret had been discovered, and she knew I knew, the covert narcissist made sure I would regret discovering her well-hidden truth. Within two months of my revelation, I was suddenly receiving every imaginable form of domestic abuse. After just dealing with it for another couple of months, for the kids’ sake, holding out for better times to come, I was summarily told to leave under threat of calling the cops, for some reason. The family I’d given every waking moment of myself to for years is suddenly no longer my own. Like, how can she do that to her kids? I get it now that I got used, hard. Where do we draw the line? How do people disregard kids like that? Still messes me up to this day.”
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