Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” discounts the other person’s hurt feelings and subtly shifts the blame on them for having an emotional reaction to something you did, Howes explained.
“It’s like saying, ‘Why are you so weak that you can’t handle the pain I just inflicted on you?’ There are several problems with a statement like this, but a healthier approach would be to acknowledge the pain and try to understand it. Something like: ‘I can see that I hurt you, and I’m very sorry for that. I’d like to understand how I hurt you so I don’t do that again. Can you tell me what upset you?’”
How To Start Communicating More Directly
The next time you find yourself uttering one of these passive-aggressive phrases, pause, take a breath and try a different approach, O’Reilly said. She suggests something like, “I’m struggling with X” or “I’m feeling Y” or “I’m scared that Z,” or even just, “I’m not sure what to say, but…”
“Being straightforward can be scary,” she said. “But it’s more likely to lead to meaningful, if uncomfortable, conversations.”
At the end of the day, this is a matter of how authentically you’d like to show up in your life, said Howes.
“If you want to play nice and not ruffle feathers, being passive-aggressive is a way to express a little anger while hiding behind a facade of being the friendly person who provides a superficial friendship to everyone,” he said.
“But if you want to be authentic, get dirty once in a while, and have a deeper connection earned through some difficult conversations, challenge yourself to speak to what angers you, how you’ve felt slighted and work toward repair and authentic connection.”
It can be hard to approach situations head-on, especially when that’s not how you’re used to conducting yourself. But know that “most people will tolerate the discomfort of being called out and respect you for being direct and assertive,” said Howes.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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