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7.
“For a while, I was a fence-sitter. It wasn’t until 30 that I realized it was even a choice and not an inevitability. In the U.S. culture, marriage and children are a common life script. It took time for me to acknowledge that that script isn’t a good fit for me, and it didn’t solidify until my late 30s…”
“For a while, it was money, security, environmental concerns, and overpopulation. But it was also simply a lack of genuine desire to be a parent. I’ve often wished we could live multiple lives to try everything, but in this life, I don’t really want children.
That was hard for me to grapple with in some ways because I was blessed with great parents, and my mother was a fantastically caring role model. But, my biggest reason for thinking about parenthood was fear of regret. That’s not enough. Parents should want their children.
This is a whole other human being you’re bringing into this world. They deserve to be wanted and loved and properly cared for. You’re responsible for them, and it might not turn out roses. Parental anxiety doesn’t magically dissipate after 18 years, either. For the rest of your life, you are a parent.
There are also a lot of physical things that can go wrong with pregnancy, especially the pregnant person—which are not talked about enough. Our society holds a very rose-colored glass view of pregnancy as glowing and natural. It really messes with people’s bodies, not to mention post-partum mental health. A lot of folks will argue that not having children is selfish.
This is puzzling because those same folks will say in the next breath that having children ensures you won’t die lonely. If you need to be a parent because that feels like your destiny and you are full of love, that’s one thing, but if you have children to safeguard your future… now THAT is selfish.
If you are unhappy, parenthood won’t fix it. If you are lonely, parenthood won’t fix it. If you’re following a life script in a daze, trying to check all the right boxes, take a moment to examine your reasons. If you want to be a parent, that’s great. Best of love and luck. It’s possible to live a comfortable life full of love while doing what you want, giving back to your community, staying open and curious, and generally living a good life without adding parenthood into the mix.”
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