“‘We communicate effectively, talk about our future with pragmatism.’
It’s time to put this to the test. Be realistic here. If you see a future together where you live together/she moves in with you, you need to be able to discuss your disparate values around cleanliness very directly.
‘I’m also afraid this could trickle into our eventual life together.’
Good. You should be very afraid. It’s not a question of whether it ‘could’ trickle in. You should be afraid that this absolutely WILL factor into your life together. Is that acceptable to you to live in these conditions every day? That is what she is okay with.
The meeting location for the parents is the LEAST of your concerns here. The pictures you shared are awful. She has obviously normalized living in filthy conditions. The fact that she has no issue bringing you into her home in that state is a glaring red flag that needs to be addressed.
I am concerned for you that you would rather be so uncomfortable as to endure staying in a dirty home with a dirty kitchen, stepping out of a dirty shower onto a dirty floor where your feet are covered in hair and dirt than endure the discomfort of saying that you refuse to stay in their unclean home again.
Be direct with her about how you need to have a difficult conversation. Yes, it will suck, but her ability to have this incredibly difficult conversation is vitally important for the health of your continued relationship. You cannot tiptoe around this. You can be kind, and you can be direct.
“I care about you so deeply but need you to know that I was very uncomfortable with the state of your home. I am concerned that you don’t see the problem. You seemed to feel that attempting to clean would be pointless based on the reasons you gave when I offered to clean. We need to be on the same page about cleanliness to progress towards living together and sharing a home.
Wishing you the best of luck.”
—u/Picocure
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