33.
“We were both married and miserable. Having an affair was exciting and gave me a new lease on life. I initially had no intention of leaving my husband. My lover tried to leave his wife several times but always went back because she tried to keep the kids from him. Having an affair made me feel sexy and wanted, which I badly needed. I had begged my then-husband to get counseling, but he refused. After two years of sleeping in separate rooms, I met my guy. Having an affair is stressful. My children did not get the same attention from me during my affair as they did before. I will never forgive myself for that. My lover saw it as a fling at first but fell in love. Of course, we felt guilty. While I didn’t feel guilty about his wife — she was a total bitch from what I saw — I did feel guilty about my husband. He wasn’t a bad guy. We were miserable for many reasons, and he wasn’t willing to work on our marriage.”
“An affair is all-consuming. It’s all you think about; it’s an addiction. Everyone knew, even our spouses. We weren’t very good at hiding it. I never made excuses. I knew it was wrong. My need was stronger than that knowledge; so was his.
We saw each other every day for two years. We started talking about leaving our spouses after the first year, and the rough part came after we left them. My experience wasn’t too bad because my ex-husband wasn’t a wacko; his ex-wife was. She had also cheated but acted like she was a victim. She did everything possible to be sure her kids hated us. We were careful not to speak badly of her or defend ourselves because we knew we had chosen to leave. It took a long time, but they eventually realized I wasn’t the devil and we had a good marriage. We’ve been married 16 years now.
Would I do it again? No. I’d leave before I got involved in another relationship, mainly because of the kids. They ended up in the middle and missed a lot of time with their dad. While it’s hard for me to sympathize with his ex-wife (because she used the kids to hurt him while behaving poorly herself), I regret the hurt and tug-of-war the kids had to deal with.
My kids were also not treated because my now-husband felt guilty. He wasn’t a good stepdad for the first six or seven years. It’s taken me a long time to forgive myself, and I have apologized to the kids and his ex-wife for the hurt we caused. She’s remarried now but still bitter. My ex-husband and husband work together and have a very cordial relationship. All the kids are grown now and doing well. I have been very honest about the affair and my regrets with them all. While happily married, I always wish we had done things the right way.”
—Anonymous, Louisana
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