If the invitation says no gifts, “it’s most polite to follow their request,” Gottsman said. This applies to any celebration, not just kids’ parties.
“Bringing a gift will make others feel uncomfortable. If some people showed up with a gift, while others followed the instructions of the host, the host should put the gifts discreetly away until the party is over,” she said.
However, many of us grew up in families where it was considered bad form to show up to a gathering empty-handed, and not bringing anything might feel quite uncomfortable. So to both respect the parents’ request while also celebrating the birthday kiddo, Smith said you could bring a little something to the party — even if it’s just a birthday card with a fun bonus (like stickers).
You could also have your child write a letter or draw a picture for the birthday child, donate to a charitable organization in the child’s honor (you can include the donation letter in the card if you have one), or choose a small or inexpensive item, Smith said. Another option is an “ephemeral gift” — in other words, something that can be used or recycled: a comic book, seeds to plant or a gift certificate to an ice cream shop or pizza place, she said.
Gottsman emphasized that “the most appropriate gesture would be not to bring a gift since the host requested it specifically on the invitation.” However, if the guest is determined to gift something, they should either send the present in advance or hand it to the host parents inconspicuously, she said.
“If you want to honor the child, you can also make a donation to a nonprofit in their name. However, it’s probably not going to be as meaningful to the child as it will be to the parent,” Gottsman said. “Some grandparents will put money in a special account that continues to grow for a college fund or a particular item. There’s no right or wrong answer to giving a gift when it comes from the heart. Just don’t do it in front of guests who are doing what was requested of them.”
To that end, Gottsman also said that if you are hosting a no-presents party, you should not have a gift table on display, nor should your child open anything in front of friends and family.
“Do it privately in another room,” she said, “or after the party is over out of the eyesight of the guests who followed the rules.”
This post originally appeared on HuffPost.
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