1.
The story of a Kevin who got fired on day one:
“He was a 26-year-old male and turned up an hour and a half late the first day. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I’d get him started on small duties to ease him into the way of the place. I ask him to put new toilet paper in the toilets — a minute or so later I hear him yelling, ‘OP, it won’t fit on the toilet roll holder!’ I’m like what? That’s a pretty simple thing. He calls out again so I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him — he’s carrying a roll of paper towel. It’s almost three times the length of the tp holder. ‘Kevin,’ I say, ‘that is paper towel.’
‘No it’s not.’
‘Yes, it is! Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life?’
‘Uh…no.’
‘Right, furthermore, and probably more perplexing — can you not see that this massive roll couldn’t possibly fit on this small bar?’
‘Yeah, I thought that was odd.’
Oh boy, well, the day goes on, and after the kitchen is pretty much closed except for pre-cooked baked goods, I get him to give a general clean and ask to make sure he wipes down all the benches. I leave him to it as I assume he’s doing fine. Corr-ONG! One of the other staff comes and says we’ve run out of toilet paper, and I’m like what? That’s not possible. Sure enough, all the packs are torn open and empty except for the rolls on the holders. At this stage I realize there can only be one culprit, and call Kevin over, ‘Did you do something with the toilet paper?’ WTF IS WITH THIS GUY AND TOILET PAPER?
‘Yes, I used it to wipe down the benches in the kitchen.’
‘You used EIGHT rolls of TP to wipe down the benches in the kitchen?! WHY are you using toilet paper to wipe down benches?’
‘I don’t like using the dish cloth.’
‘WHO taught you to wipe down benches with toilet paper? Have you ever seen anyone wipe down benches with toilet paper?’
‘The cloth was dirty, and I didn’t want to clean it out.’
By this stage I’m thinking, day’s nearly over, just let it go and I’m sure it will work out fine…yeah, you know what’s coming. Kevin strikes again, and this time, it’s beyond moronic. So I’ve got him on serving customers pastries and the like because all you have to do is take it out of the glass bay, put it on a plate, and give it to them — he doesn’t even have to ring it up, just pop it on the plate and give.
Well, one of the customers orders three scones with jam and cream. He’s behind the counter doing his thing, and I have a little peek and see, yes, he’s cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later, the customer brings the scones back up to the counter. ‘There’s something really hard in these scones, I bit down, and it was like crunching on a rock or something.’
Of course I’m puzzled. ‘Oh, I’m really sorry about that—’ when Kevin cuts in:
‘It’s probably just the seeds in the jam.’
Now there’s something about the way he says this that makes my alarm bells ring. ‘Show me what you put on these scones,’ I say, and I start marching toward the prep bench. Sitting on the bench is the bowl of whipped cream, and next to it, in a plastic bag, is a broken glass jar that contains the jam — the m@therf@cker is feeding the customer broken glass.
‘I didn’t think it would be a big deal.’
I grab the plate of mostly uneaten glass-infused scones. ‘How is anyone supposed to eat this?’
To my utter amazement, he proceeds to EAT THEM, in front of me, all the while crunching on glass and flinching every time he does. I’m dumbfounded. When he finishes eating them, he says:
‘Do you think I should go to the hospital?’
‘You’re fired.'”
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